Raincoast Quit Smoking Cures
Last updated 2004-06-28 by Roedy
Green ©1998-2004 Canadian Mind Products.
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Thoughts : Quit Smoking.
Introduction
These techniques for quitting smoking are admittedly whacky. However, they are
free, so you have little to lose by trying them. You can at least have a laugh.
Every time you quit smoking and fail, it improves your odds of quitting
permanently the next time. Don't beat yourself up when you have a relapse. It is
like training for a high jump. It takes a while before you get good enough to
reach escape velocity.
Bent Elbow
The intent of this cure is to break the habitual pattern of bending the elbow to
smoke. Light a cigarette and hold it in your hand and hold your arm perfectly
straight. Let the cigarette burn completely down. No matter what, don't bend
your arm. If you have to, get someone to put a separate cigarette in and out of
your mouth for you.
Players Coin
Ask your friend to switch to Players brand cigarettes preparatory to giving up
smoking. Buy a pack of Players cigarettes for your friend. There is a little
round picture of a sailor on the pack. Slip a nickel under the cellophane so
that it sits over the sailor picture. Do this as carefully as possible so that
it looks as if you got it in there without opening the pack.
Tell your friend about the old days when cigarettes used to cost $0.30 in
vending machines, and some brands came with a nickel change attached to them.
The idea of this is to make your friend associate the Players circle with the
escalating price of cigarettes, the astronomical prices to come, and all the
money going up in smoke.
Toilet Grossout
One by one, thow a pack of cigarettes into the toilet. Throw in a pack of
matches too. Imagine this is some sicko sacrifice to God, born of total
desperation with trying to kick the habit. Urinate or defecate onto the
cigarettes, or ask someone else to do this for you. Stare for a goodly while at
that disgusting mess so that you strongly associate those cigarettes with the
toilet. Then flush. Every time you light up, think of the toilet.
Dysfunctional Ashtray
I once made a deliberately dysfunctional ashtray. It is hideous. It has almost
no room to hold the ashes. You have to keep emptying it. I designed it to remind
one vaguely of bowels, disease and other bodily organs.
Banana Replacement Therapy
I have never smoked myself, but I interviewed smokers trying to figure out just
what the appeal was. Some told me they liked the harsh raspy pressure feeling in
the throat. You might get a similar effect by swallowing a small piece of banana
whole. Gradually work up to larger sizes. Female smokers and gay male smokers
may try a variant.
Pyrex Test Tube
Seal a cigarette in a Pyrex test tube with some silicone sealant. Promise
yourself that if you ever smoke again, you will first use the cigarette in the
test tube. Pyrex is difficult to break.
Last Lighter
Buy a friend who is trying to quit a lighter. Give him a certificate that looks
something like this:
I Lou Doe do solemly swear that I will light every cigarette I will
smoke in the rest of my life with the green Bic lighter given me by John
Doe .
signed ____________________
witness ___________________
witness ___________________
date 1998 June 16
This lets your friend quit smoking several times. He can light one cigarette
from another to try to save the lighter. This provides a more realistic goal
than quitting smoking all in one try.
