Random
Musings
Last updated 2004-07-02 by Gaius
©2001-2004 Canadian Mind Products.
You are here : home : Deep
Thoughts : Musings.
These are random thoughts, that don't fit anywhere else. Perhaps some day I may
develop some of them into full blown essays. I hope they work both as Deep
ThoughtTM humour, and sometimes to prang your brain into thinking
afresh.
Religious Tolerance
We usually think of religious tolerance as a virtue, but it is not always. The
virtue is leaving others alone to choose their rituals to connect with the
mysteries of the universe. The vice is offering no resistance to people
behaving abominably in the name of religion, spreading supersition, hatred of
minority groups, violence, condoning theft of land, touting the divine
superiority of their religious group. It is cowardice to accept bribes from the
demented Reverend Sun Myung Moon to crown him the Messiah in the capitol
building, not religious tolerance. The Pat Robertson's and Jerry Falwell's of
the world use religious lies to meddle in politics. It is thus fair game to
fight back as their supposedly holy authority. Creationists meddle is science
spreading disinformation. They must be tolerated no more than any other
flavour of liar.
The Wisdom Of Old Age
As I get older, I wonder what all the fuss was about in my younger years. Part
of the change in attitude is experience, but mostly it is just lower hormones.
Most of the things I used to torment myself over now seem relatively unimportant.
The notion there is a one and only true love for you is the stupidest, cruelest
idea ever perpetuated. If that person has already had a relationship with you
and decided to leave, no matter what the circumstances, what more proof do you
need they are not a suitable partner? Get on with finding a more compatible
one! There is no need to complain about either of you just because you did not
mesh well over time. I stayed stubbornly stuck for decades because I could not
believe my exceedingly loving partner could dump me with such sudden violence.
There had to be some explanation, and once explained, all could be put right and
I could enjoy the same friendly relationship I had with my other ex's. Gradually,
I learned his behaviour did not need an explanation; it is an ordinary part of
human nature and relationship transitions. Now I feel silly, embarrassed and
regretful to have wasted so much time hanging onto the past.
The Human Family
Scientists who study mitochondrial DNA tell us the human species is only 7000
generations old, a baby as species go. 150,000 years ago, we all sprang from a
common grandmother who looked something like this.
This means everyone on planet earth is literally a long lost relative. It also
means we all have black ancestors, which will drive the racists crazy.
Measuring Success
Tommy Douglas lead the New Democratic Party for many years. They never once came
to power in Canada federally. Mr. Douglas himself twice lost his seat in
parliament. The Liberal party stole all his best ideas. The newspapers reviled
him as a Communist.
Yet now it is clear to everyone, he shaped Canada more than any other politician.
Without him Canada would not have universal medical care, old age pensions or
children's allowance. Canadian identity is based around these social programs
that see everyone is cared for.
Democracy
The biggest problem with democracy is the people who claw their way to top are
in it primarily for power over others. These are the people you can least trust
to make wise decisions for the common good.
Prayer Postions
-
Some Christians pray with fingers tightly intertwined. This says "I beg
of you. I beseech you. Do things my way. I really do know better than you
what is best for all concerned."
-
Some Christians pray with palms together. This says "I am holier than my
fellows, therefore you God, owe it to me to do things my way."
-
Some new agers pray with palms up. This says "I am entitled to your
bounty God. Give me my due."
-
Muslims grovel to pray. This says "Please don't beat me. I claim you are
merciful with my tongue, but in my heart I believe you are cruel."
-
In my dreams, white-frocked nuns pray with hands up and palms forward. This says "I
surrender. Let me be not so clueless and do it your way."
The Fundamental Sadness
There is small south American catfish who sits on my desk in an aquarium. One of
three things must all but inevitably happen:
-
One day I will go to feed him and will discover he is dead.
-
One day I won't come to feed him because I am dead.
-
One day we will both be killed simultaneously.
Suicide
Most people don't particularly enjoy their lives. It just one damn thing after
another, yet they don't kill themselves. This is not great surprise given
Darwinian selection. However, what is odd, is that when you look at the trials
people have to endure, it bears little on whether they kill themselves. The
lives of our ancestors were extremely nasty compared with ours, as are those of
people in the third world, yet they are less likely than we to suicide. What is
going on? Has the fear of punishment subsidided? Are tools of painless suicide
just more readily available. Have expectations on life risen to ridiculous
levels from a constant onslaught of movies and TV? Are people now just more
isolated than they were before, now that people don't need to look out for each
other's physical well being as much? People no longer feel part of their
societies.
Persistence
When I read biographies, two things stand out.
-
The lives of great people are filled with even more emotional distress than mine.
-
Every famous person was at some point ridiculed by those in authority. Yet they
persisted anyway. They did not have the good sense to give up.
I suppose then, for people like me who desperately yearn to leave some
magnificent legacy to our species, tragedy and ridicule should be encouraging
signs.
Appropriate Programming
Whenever I see a handsome young gay man I think to myself, "I wish I too
could be young and cute. It would be so great to have everyone chase after me."
Yet I notice that young gay men don't enjoy having everyone chase after them.
They find it a nuisance. So likely, so would I if I were magically transformed.
As an older gay man, I am left in peace. Perhaps I could learn to appreciate my
state, through the eyes of someone young, cute or famous.
Mirrors
Even since I was a little boy I have puzzled over why mirrors reverse left and
right but not top and bottom. Obviously mirrors have no directional preference.
It must be something in our language that makes up/down different from left/right.
The top of the image is aligned with the top of your body. The left side of the
image is aligned with to the left side of your body. So, the mirror is not
reversing left and right. Yet it is reversing the writing on your teeshirt, left
and right, but not top and bottom.
You can think of mirrors as letting you see the writing from inside the tee
shirt. Yet, why should that reverse left and right, but not top and bottom?
Imagine a tee shirt with writing in various orientations. The writing always
reverses. So it is not a left-right thing after all, but the handedness of the
entire image that flips.
The Matrix
In the movie the Matrix, Morpheus offers Neo a choice. He can take the red pill
and see the truth for himself, or he can take the blue pill and return,
comfortably unaware, to the illusion of the Matrix. There he can live out his
life oblivious to and undisturbed by the truth.
The Internet is the red pill. TV is the blue bill.
Extra Terrestrials
We humans are utterly convinced, without leaving planet earth, that physics and
chemistry are identical throughout the universe. We humans are also utterly
convinced, without leaving planet earth, that biology is unique to earth. If
anyone suggests that somewhere in those trillions of planets there could be
other life or intelligent species, we call for a white coat or a tin foil hat.
We persist in this belief even though we know primitive life appeared on earth
almost the instant it cooled. What's so special about earth?
"The most important scientific revolutions all include, as their only
common feature, the dethronement of human arrogance from one pedestal after
another of previous convictions about our centrality in the cosmos."
~ Stephen Jay Gould
Starting Over
Our Sun has enough fuel to burn about 9 billion years. We humans appeared about
half way through the life span. If we humans somehow destroy life to the point
it has to start over from scratch, there may not be time for another intelligent
species to evolve before the Sun goes nova. However, if we simply wipe ourselves
out, and leave some other mammals, there will be no problem at all.
Fear of Dying
"It is not death, it is dying that alarms me."
~ Michel de Montaigne
Having lived so long getting used to the threat of imminent death from HIV, I
think I am less afraid of death and dying than most people. The fear is all
rather silly. Most people never even get to experience dying. They go to sleep
or go unconscious first. People have no trouble accepting that when plants and
animals die, that's the end of them as individuals. Their bodies are recycled.
It is vanity or wishful thinking to imagine something grander must necessarily
be the fate of human animals.
"Why should I fear death? If I am, death is not. If death is, I am not. Why
should I fear that which cannot exist when I do?"
~ Epicurus
Free Will
If you watch a movie, do the characters have free will? Of course not; every
frame is fixed in celluloid. Yet this does not become obvious until you watch
the movie a second time. Whether we humans have free will or not does not matter.
It would still feel exactly the same since we go through this life only once.
The Future
In the future, I will put a layer of nanobots on my bare feet and glide around
like a jet-propelled ice skater, without clothes, over the shopping malls.
In the future, I will be able to wake up a totally different person if I choose.
In the future, I will wonder how all the people back in 2002 managed to endure
the primitive technology, especially medicine.
In the future, I will be so intimately connected to everyone else, the
boundaries between me, us and them will blur.
In the future, I will wonder why it took so long to abolish war, hunger,
pollution, poverty, disease, overpopulation, superstition, torture, cruelty to
other species and slavery, when it was so abundantly clear how undesirable these
things were.
Mother Theresa and The Billionaire
A billionaire paid a secret visit to Mother Theresa. He asked "Mother,
how much should I give?". She replied, "Give until it hurts.".
He replied, "But that would be too painful!" Mother T. said, "Bill,
Pay attention. I said "until"".
Being Gifted
If you are gifted, you will have a more difficult time giving up ego. Because
you have so much evidence that you would do a better job that anyone else (including
God) of managing your affairs, God sometimes conspires a catastrophic collapse
where you simply cannot cope on your own, and you learn, despite your many
special gifts, that you are just like everyone else. What a relief!
Going Downhill
Will things ever stop getting worse? Any time you choose, start looking
for evidence they are turning around, not perfect, just turning around.
The Cause of Alcoholism
Alcholics imagine that the only time God will talk to them is when they are
roaring drunk.
Decisions Decisions
When a decision seems impossibly hard to make it is because you will do both --
perhaps sequentially, perhaps simultaneously.
Ending Hunger
For every 34.2 years that you do nothing to help, you are 100% responsible for
allowing one man, woman or child in the third world to die. For every year you
do nothing, you are only 2.9% responsible.
Ending hunger, protecting the environment and eliminating war are big problems.
Logically you should need to shoulder only 1/5,000,000,000th of the problem.
However, because so many people are so discouraged, they are doing nothing at
all, you will have to shoulder 20/5,000,000,000th of the problem. Do you think
you can handle it?
The Stock Market
-
The stock market is a 3-card monte, buffalo
jump, zero-sum game.
-
Remain calm; buy low; sell high.
-
Take advantage of your opponents' weakness at estimating.
-
Tip your advisors.
Not To Worry
The freedom to compose the life story of planet earth is only granted to those
who have demonstrated responsible behaviour. There is no need to worry about
this power being given to maniacs (like your sometimes self). You may still
participate, just not control.
Rainforests
Even if you don't like the insects or the smell of a rainforest, it is very
reassuring to know it is there.
Definition of Extinction
Extinction is planetary genocide.
Definition of Love
Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, and trusting they will not
use it.
Joyce Cousins
Being Alone
Why am I so alone?
This is the wrong question.
Ask instead "where is the other lonely person I'm supposed to
pair up with?"
Channeling
When you are manic, ideas press so hard and fast on your consciousness it feels
as if they are coming from the outside. Channeling a "message from God"
is a bit like playing charades. You feel a pressure of meaning that can only be
relieved by composing. You translate the meaning pressure into English. You feel
gradually diminishing pressure as your translation gradually more accurately
expresses the precise meaning. Eventually you stop, even though you still have
not got it perfectly, simply because you can currenly think of no better way in
English to express the idea. Sometimes the message comes through literally
word by word, like taking dictation over a noisy phone line. That feels more
frightening. You don't channel; something channels through you. You are like an
intelligent secretary. The works are not yours, yet they sometimes look as if
they were.
Being Dumped
Your lover did not leave you; someone else even more magnetic than you, perhaps
inadvertently, attracted them away.
The Secret Of The Universe
Whatever you put your attention on, you get more of. You can put it on
sex, lack of sex, stability, chaos, violence, peace ...
Environmental Tax Subsidy
What would happen if we doubled the prices of all things that harmed the
environment and halved those of things that don't?
Heaven
In Heaven, McDonald's serves no food; they just manage the public washrooms.
In Heaven, there are more trees than people.
Perceptivity Of Genius
When you see what others do not see, this is called "perceptivity."
When you know what others do not know, this is called "genius." The "perceptivity
of genius" is what makes victory a foregone conclusion. Those for whom
victory is a forgone conclusion, they defend what cannot be attacked and attack
what cannot be defended.
Randy Richardson paraphrasing a Chinese sage.
Orca FM
Orca FM is a radio station
that broadcasts orca (killer whale) sounds live from British Columbia, Canada.
It is likely the radio station of most interest to extra terrestrial
civilisations monitoring earth's radio emissions. It is very difficult for large-brained
marine mammals to develop radio transmission technology, and even harder to
develop reception.
Something For Laurie
"Some people, cut lawns, in the dark." Imagine that, spoken by, Laurie
Anderson.
Re-Publicans
Jesus really had it in for the publicans. I have found nothing definitive on his
opinion of Re-publicans.
Definition of Cosmic Consciousness
Cosmic Consciousness is the ultimate multiple personality disorder.
Definition of God
God: the thing you are most afraid of that won't actually hurt you.
Dolphin's Eye View
Scientists tell us to reduce our consumption of tuna to a few grams a week to
reduce mercury, but what are you supposed to do if you are a dolphin?
School for Celebrity
There aught to be a finishing school for people catapulted into celebrity.
Rubbing It In
The BC Government labels each bottle of free HIV drugs with the wholesale price.
Some people look at the price and say "I cannot reciprocate; I must die."
Others look at the price and say, "My! how the citizens of BC must love me
to spend so much money keeping me alive."
The Curare Mistake
The conservative assumption is to presume something is conscious until proven
otherwise. Otherwise we may make the curare mistake. Curare is a paralysing
poison used by South American jungle dwellers to tip arrows. Doctors decided to
use it as an anaesthetic for infants. It was completely successful. It had low
mortality and few side effects. It went into widespread use. One day a doctor
decided to test curare on himself for an operation since it was so successful
with infants. He felt every twitch of the surgeon's knife exquisitely, but could
not move or shout out his pain. He could not so much as blink his eyes. Curare
was not an anaesthetic after all, just a muscle paralyser. Only then was the use
of curare as an anaesthetic for infants dropped.
The Last Day Of My Biology Career
When I was high school, the biology teacher, Mr. Jackson cut the bottom shell
off a live turtle and attached its heart to a lever that charted the twitchings
on a graph. I told everyone he was a sadist. Mr. Mackenzie, the principal,
called me down to his office and gently chastised for slandering a teacher. Mr.
Jackson reassured me "The turtle feels no pain."
I countered "How you know?" He replied "It's
spinal nerves are cut." I said "Well, it
sure looks as if it is in pain. It is struggling frantically to right itself."
He responded "That is just a reflex." He
offered "Using the turtle will save many lives. This
turtle will last all day. Had I used frogs, I would have had to kill one for
each class." I accused "Your experiment
has no point. Everyone already knows that hearts beat." He said "You
are planning a career in biology. You will have to get used to this."
I said "I that's what it means to be a biologist I want
no part of it." Since I am writing this years later, I can compose a
better retort: "If you are so sure this will not hurt,
how about I poke a scapel into the back of your neck and cut your spinal
nerves. Then you can reassure me, based on evidence, that the procedure is
painless. From my personal experience, nerves hurt like the blazes when you cut
them. Turtle nerves and human nerves are almost identical. "
I am telling this story from memory, so don't take those quotations absolutely
literally. The recollections of the other two present may differ.
Capital Punishment For Animals
What do humans consider a sufficiently humane way to kill a human?
-
Lethal injection
-
Helium
-
soporific pill
What means do humans use to humanely kill animals not human?
-
Electrocution
-
Shooting
-
scaulding
-
beheading
It disturbs me that the two lists are different. Humans are so impatient when it
comes to killing animals, yet they take decades to kill one of their own by
capital punishment.
Humans Have Trouble With Estimates
Humans overestimate the importance of short term fluctuations and underestimate
the importance of long-term trends.
Humans overestimate what they can do in the short term and underestimate what
they can accomplish in the long run.
Humans accurately estimate the intelligence of fellow humans and underestimate
the wisdom of everything else.
The Definition of Truth
The Truth is true. If it contains any bullshit, it ain't the Truth.
The Delphinic Word for Human
The formal word for human in delphinese roughly
translated means dry-mammal-giving-strange-tastes-in-water-like-Christmas-tie-for-us,
or more literally giving-(object-indicator)-tastes-strange-(untranslatable)-fish-bony-flat-(receiver-indicator)-us-amen-(agent-indicator)-mammal-dry.
The informal term is roughly translated "stinky-pie" The phrase refers
to all the "gifts" of odd chemicals humans dump into the oceans.
Humans have a bad sense of what makes an appropriate gift, but it is still a
nice sentiment.
The Purpose Of Evolution
It must have felt so good to finally evolve fingers, so you could finally
scratch the inside of your nose.
Innoculation
I wonder if you could innoculate kids against drugs by giving them tiny doses of
them.
Geological Point Of View
When mother Earth gets age wrinkles, we call them mountains.
Losing Weight
It is loving when a man notices his wife has just lost five pounds and it is
even more loving if he doesn't.
Why Men Are More Romantic Than Women
Women think they are more romantic than men, yet they blind to the I-love-you of
unplugging the toilet.
Men refuse to abandon tattered old clothes because of all the loving
associations they have.
Top Secret
"Top secret" usually means "I don't want the citizens knowing
about this, because if they did, they would be furious."
Red Light At 3 AM
I feel silly waiting at a red light late at night with no cars in sight. The
purpose of the light is to manage contention for the intersection, yet there is
no contention.
Tell The Truth
Some future technology may unmask every lie you say or post. You might as well 'fess
up now and avoid future embarrassment.
Animal Propaganda
As children, we learned that animals breathe out carbon dioxide for the plants,
and plants breathe out oxygen for the animals. This is misleading. Plants
breathe out carbon dioxide at night (just like animals) and breathe it back in
again during the day. Animals have very little to do with the overall CO2/oxygen
exchange. Man's machines and furnaces do, however, produce enough CO2
to throw it out of balance.
Definition Of The Universe
The universe is a nested set of puzzles for baby intelligences to play in.
The universe is everything, including whoever or whatever created it.
Animal Rights
Taliban human rights violations are popcorn fights compared with whale sacrifice.
Tips To Authors
-
Imagine in your audience is the being you most respect. Don't waste time. Get to
the point immediately.
-
If it does not make even you laugh or cry out loud, it won't have any impact on
the audience.
-
Reserve very for special occasions.
-
Avoid my. Rephrase avoiding it. To a lesser extent, avoid I;
consider i. Then avoid me or any other possessive.
-
You is not interested in I, but may be concerned about me.
-
W E is more important than you.
-
Don't ask questions.
-
Read your work aloud.
-
Imagine your work will be read by every being on earth.
The Power Of A Clear Question
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the
world; indeed it is the only thing that ever has.
~ Margaret Mead
When I was about 11, I went to an all-candidates meeting in West Vancouver for
the federal election. I asked If you are elected, will you
permit nuclear weapons in Canada, yes or no? The politician waffled. Then
the crowd started chanting "yes or no"
The politician waffled, squirmed and eventually sat down humiliated. Ever since,
I have had great faith in the democratic process.
Tips To Dieters
-
Think how much better it will taste if you wait until you are good and hungry.
-
Graph your weight accurate to a tenth of a kilogram.
Also graph your 15-day moving average weight to see the big picture. Just watch
the graph. Note what you did when it goes up. Note what you did when it goes
down. Note what you did when it stays level. Don't try to make it move. After a
few weeks you will have learned weight control. The hard part is over.
Now, take your weight down and level off. When you are gaining weight, weigh
daily. When you are losing weight, weigh less often.
-
The time to resist temptation is while shopping, not while staring down a key
lime pie in your fridge. Don't shop hungry.
-
Get a juicer that takes a long time to clean, like the Braun MP 80.
-
To learn self control, carry a bag of unopened Frito Lay potato chips with you
to give to a homeless person.
-
Don't be a tyrant. Coast (not gorge) to celebrate after each success.
-
Stare at yourself and notice even tiny improvements.
-
Think about the well-tested eating patterns of your great, great, great, great ...
ancestors. Move in that direction. When you are hungry, eat. When you are not,
don't. When you are thirsty, drink. Don't confuse hunger and thirst. When you
are tired, rest. When you are sleepy, sleep. If a food makes you feel good, eat
it again. If makes you feel bad, don't.
-
Sleep with fewer blankets and the furnace/air conditioner off.
-
If you eat every last scrap on your plate, there will be less for the starving
microbes in your garbage can.
-
Contemplate that everything has to eat something else to stay alive.
-
Ask God to tell you when and what to eat.
-
It is ok to save some for later.
-
Take exercise breaks. Even walking will do.
-
It is important to establish the habit of regularly going to the gym. What you
do there, at first, is unimportant.
-
Imagine you are going to be on Oprah soon for
some reason that is not quite clear at the moment. You just have to look
your best.
-
Candy is not food. Don't treat it as if it were. Savor it very slowly.
-
Protein powders also taste sweet.
-
Only when all else fails, try the aversion diet. Give a substantial sum of money
to a politician/evangelist you detest in the unlikely event you should fail to
meet your weight goal.
-
Be gentle with yourself.
-
Eat food you don't particularly like.
-
Think of food as fuel, not as pleasure.
(I painlessly lost 30 pounds so far using these tips.)
Saving the World
Everyone thinks we have to change the minds of the corporate mavens to save the
world. These old dinosaurs are irrelevant. The kids, Oprah's viewers and
computer programmers in the third world are the real movers and shakers.
The Nature of Reality
Reality recapitulates fantasy.
Bumper Stickers
TRUST WHALES
Planet Earth, Love It Or Leave It.
Remember the à la mode.
Taking Credit
Taking credit for the economy is a little like a rooster taking credit for the
sunrise.
A Business Model
Every company survives solely from voluntary donations from its customers. The
company does, however, reserve the right to refuse to deal with excessively
stingy customers.
The purpose of a company is both:
-
To make money.
-
To render service.
In some cultures, companies exist satisfying only one of those two purposes.
Rendering service is the more fundamental.
Internet Etiquette
-
Don't steal time with perfunctory thank-yous.
-
Don't imply that response is obligatory.
Green Eyed Monsters
-
If my lover is the sexiest person in the world, it is selfish to keep them all
to myself.
-
If I want my lover to have maximal fun, I must let them boink a supercutie from
time to time.
On Abortion
Both abortion and banning abortion have major attendant evils. There is no hope
for compromise. One way out is better contraception. Having a baby should
require some deliberate act (other than having sex). Every baby deserves at
least two adult caregivers who can and want to care for him or her.
On The Second Amendment
Pooing on your lawn is probably protected by the constitution, but that does not
necessarily mean you should do it.
Psychotic break
psychotic break is what humans call moulting.
Car Names
Automobiles, machines and products are often named after "deities" :
Thunderbird, Mercury, Saturn, Neptune, Trinity, Shiva, Lemmon, Sun, ME, Quantum,
Nike, Venus, Mars, Baba, Ram, Athena, Alpha, Omega, Universe, Pan, Balder, Thor,
Vulcan, Prometheus, Chi, Karma, Corpus Christi, Apollo, OM, Planet, Calypso, Pélé
...
Location, Location, Location
A sign : You are here confidently confirms your existence.
Consider the possibilty that heaven truly is right beside you.
Search and Replace
Search & Replace does not seem
to understand the Bible is implicitly read-only.
Costs Of War
-
It is ironic that in a war to defend freedom of speech, freedom of religion and
democracy, those are the first three things to go.
-
Fanaticism induces fanaticism in its enemies.
-
Posturing leaders forget they are slashing to death hundreds of their countrymen
with every, single, word.
-
"You are either with us or you are with the terrorists."
-- George W. Bush
Neutrality is not an option.
Relative Sinning
Order these in increasing order of severity:
-
to be jealous of a vibrator
-
to be envious of a dildo
Electronic Etiquette
An annoying machine is one that:
-
wantonly wastes time.
-
cares little for your convenience.
-
insists you understand it deeply.
Conan's Pleasure
I am disturbed. It seems ordinary people enjoy seeing others in pain, or at
least worse off than they are. Examples include wrestling, violent movies,
disasters and heavy dramas. This may be some innate cruelty, sharing unavoidable
pain, disaster planning, compassion or something else.
Thanks For The Memories
If you had perfect memory, you could proofread a book while walking in the park.
SPAM and Locks
Think how much extra work everyone goes through each day simply because a few
people refuse to behave ethically.
The Best Things In Life
Bill Gates could not go to work in his underwear.
Loans
Only the first and last day of a loan are all that much fun.
Housekeeping 101
-
If you don't use it frequently, it does not belong in your most frequent
drawer.
-
Counters, desktops, bookshelves and eye-level cupboards are une espèce de
(a species of) most frequent drawer.
-
If it is temporarily most frequent, it is ok to put it in your most
frequent drawer, temporarily.
-
File recently-read books at the left end of your most frequent bookshelf.
If they won't fit, remove books from the right end.
-
While you are waiting, do something else.
-
If you see something out of place, and you are going to its proper place anyway,
take it with you.
-
Cleaning your home is a gift to your future self.
-
Interior design is where you can have it your way without annoying the
neighbours.
-
Leave the work incompleted.
P.S. You can't do otherwise.
-
Tackle the most annoying mess you can first.
-
Decide on a proper place for each item.
-
It's ok to have a junk drawer, so long as you only keep
junk in it.
-
Do a little bit each day.
-
The easiest time to deal with a mess is before and just after you make it.
-
Label the proper places for things.
Defragging
To write an efficient disk defragger, model how you tidy your apartment, better
still, how Martha
Stewart tidies her house.
Celebration
-
A special occasion is more special if it is not marked on the calendar.
-
The more the merrier; the less the looser.
-
Celebrate the success of others.
Telephone Etiquette
How can the invention of the telephone be considered complete when it behaves
like a drunk barging into your dining room loudly banging on a bell demanding
your immediate attention?
On Ambiguity
In English, because words have more than one meaning, lying is all but
inevitable.
Suicide Prevention
Agree to say "Good bye cruel world" with a lungful of helium as part
of your final farewell.
Too Obvious To Mention
It is crueller than you realise, to punish someone, when they did not do
anything wrong.
If you want a luxury that is injurious to the environment, you must pay for it
first.
Forbidden Fruit
No one seems interested in discovering whether prohibition increases or
decreases the use of alcohol, marijuana or cocaine.
God Bless America
Remember to say please, even when addressing deities.
Compassion
Compassion is not weeping, hand-wringing or tearing your clothes. It is getting
of your tail and doing something useful to help.
Signs of Devilry
-
No live Christmas trees permitted in the building.
(Presumably only cut ones with dried-out needles.)
-
We are not responsible for lost articles.
(I wasn't accusing you.)
-
Buses do not pick up passengers after they have left the stop.
(How could they?)
-
The pull cord on a bus means "Please let me off at the next stop"; the
pull cord on the Skytrain means "Emergency!
Stop the train, now!"
-
Windows copy won't tell you how many floppies you will need.
-
Norton LiveUpdate doesn't share with other workstations.
-
In Granville Square is a art piece that looks like a jungle gym. There is a sign
on it that reads "Climbing this structure is forbidden by law".
-
We have fully self-cleaning ovens but only partially self-cleaning toilets.
Signs of Angelry
-
You are here
-
ONE WAY
(not the only way)
-
YIELD
-
STOP
-
WALK
-
SLOW
-
CAUTION
-
VIEWPOINT AHEAD
-
Obey your thirst
-
The coin slot on a coke machine is camouflaged.
-
Candy bars come wrapped in untearable paper.
Was It Heaven or Hell?
-
Each prisoner has his own personal bed, one meter long.
-
Each prisoner has his own personal salt or pepper shaker.
-
Each prisoner has the key to someone else's cell.
How long did it take you to decide?
Consider the possibility that you are already dead.
Magic
Magic is the art of making the audience selectively forget.
Tips For Debaters
-
Your opponent can't argue with the facts, a question, an unstated premis or a
quotation.
-
The goals are to discover truth and to get your opponent to shift his position,
not to humiliate your opponent.
-
No ad hominems.
-
Agree with thine adversary quickly.
-
Lay traps for your adversary so that whether he agrees with you or not, he still
has to shift his position.
-
The more neutral you appear, the more persuasive you are.
Sins
Being proud of being gay is like being proud of being left footed.
Being proud of being straight is like being proud of being right handed.
Pride is a sin. That includes being proud of your country, your sexuality, your
looks, your intelligence, your wealth or anything else you had little to do with
creating.
Both pride and shame deny that you are
inextricably /connected to/linked to/part of/are a hologram of/blended with/merged
with/of/ the universe. Don't confuse shame with guilt.
The only envy is self envy.
Gluttony is taking more than your fair share of anything. Anoxeria is refusing
to take your fair share. Both gluttony and anorexia deny that you are intricably
of the universe.
Lust is treating a person as an object, as is revulsion. Sex need not be
involved. Both lust and revulsion deny that you are intricably part of the
universe.
Thieves are sleepwalkers who steal from their own pockets.
Sloth is wealth without work.
Screaming the name of a deity whenever you hit your finger is like dialling 911
and hanging up.
Honour your father and mother, even posthumously, with the greatest
gift.
Verbs
Faith!
Peace!
Truth!
Love!
I wish I spoke a language where the agent was optional and the action was
paramount.
God's Problem
When God wants to get someone's attention, he has to proceed carefully to avoid
scaring the living daylights out of them.
Religious Report Card
| Religion |
Virtues |
Sins |
Errors |
| Hinduism |
tolerance |
laziness |
thinking that souls are separate * |
| Buddhism |
peacefulness |
apathy |
confusing addiction and attraction |
| Judaism |
reason |
guilt, resentment |
living in the past |
| Greek |
complexity |
lust |
thinking gods do not have to behave responsibly |
| Roman |
order |
cruelty, gluttony, lust |
thinking Jupiter does not behave responsibly |
| Christianity |
compassion |
guilt, fear, prudery, judgementalness |
failure to fully accept the material plane as real |
| Islam |
equality |
fanaticism, fear, anger |
thinking that Allah needs to resort to violence |
| Atheism |
truthfulness |
arrogance, selfishness |
blind to the unknown |
| Alcoholics Anonymous |
accessibility |
sloth, lack of ambition |
thinking that God is local |
| Transcendental Meditation |
simplicity |
rigidity, greed |
promising more than can is delivers |
| EST |
impeccability |
fanaticism, fear, anger |
thinking that you need to resort to intimidation |
| Course In Miracles |
equanimity |
wishful thinking |
failure to accept the material plane as real |
| Living Love |
accessibility |
selfishness, callousness |
thinking that a religion can be based purely on logic |
| Aquarian Practitioners of Light |
smoothness |
self-indulgence, gullibility |
thinking that an individual can send another to hell |
| Quantum Miracles |
energy |
Sorceror's apprentice delusions of grandeur |
thinking you can leave the flock. |
| CCism |
simplicity |
impatience, lack of respect for individuals |
thinking that souls are not also separate. * |
* Souls are like countries. When you look
from space you can't see the boundaries. That should help resolve the paradox.
Most religions err in thinking only humans have souls.
Definitions of Interest Loans
-
Usury.
-
The rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
-
Stealing from your future self.
Definition of Sacrifice
-
Gandhian: Doing an onerous task, such as studying, that will reap long term
rewards.
-
Judeo-Christian: Wringing a dove's neck and wasting the meat in the vain hope it
will make you feel better.
Inflicting pain on yourself or any other creature is more usually termed cruelty.
What Women Want
-
In some languages there are no separate words for dance and fuck.
-
What turns women on most looks very boring to a guy. Trust her when she tells
you what it is.
-
Expensive chocolate, extra thickness.
-
Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
-
A massage
Learning Carpentry
You are punished for your sins in the same sense you are "punished"
when you hit you thumb with a hammer. God tries his hardest to teach you
carpentry.
The master carpenter grips your hands to show you how to control the saw. Don't
worry; this won't always be necessary.
The Good Intentions of Bullies
To attract God's attention, a guru once recommended developing a juicy ripe ego,
ready to burst. His theory was that God would then come along to transform it
into something wonderful.
Worship
To an earthling, Sun worship comes naturally.
The problem with all the world's great religions is that they were, despite
appearances, largely designed by men for men. No other species had much input.
The Plants' Complaints
-
Please, be careful with any form of bridge, e.g. aircraft. Species were not
meant to fly that fast.
-
For millenia the insects have designed us. Your designs, in comparison, are, er,
one-dimensional.
The Dolphins' Complaints
-
Eaten is all the food on land; now take ours and waste it!
-
Please, gifts of cologne, no longer!
Love Thy Enemies
God loves the atheists because they:
-
keep people debating the existence of God.
-
are the wrecking crew and renovation team for obsoleted religions.
-
love the Truth more than their comfort.
-
will work for good without threats, bribes or pay.
Hints To Suitors
Imagine you were the quarry. In a sense, you are.
The Truth Hurts
Gautama Buddha was called honey tongued because he had the skill to tell
people unpleasant truths without insulting them.
Fighting Objectives
debating: discover truth.
hitting: pain.
screaming: damage hearing.
shouting: change mind.
killing: stop all actions.
vaporizing: annihilating the soul.
Definitions of Planet Earth
-
a spherical park floating in space
-
Mandelbrot's blue green period
-
fur feather fin phloem forming field
Weaponry
-
The penis is mightier than the sword.
-
Be too interesting to dismiss.
-
Fight creatively.
-
Tell the absolute truth.
Complementarity
As you perfect the universe, the universe perfects you.
As you perceive the universe, the universe perceives you.
As you destroy the universe, the universe destroys you.
You cannot change the universe unless you are willing to let it change you.
If you want the universe to show you her secrets, you must first show her yours.
Do unto the universe as you would have the universe do unto you.
If you want the universe to be more gentle with you, be more gentle with the
universe.
If you want the universe to stop trying to change you, stop trying to change the
universe.
If you want the universe to stop changing you, stop changing the universe.
If you want the universe to change you, change the universe.
When you co-operate with the universe, the universe co-operates with you; it is
not necessarily consciously rewarding you; you are just moving in harmony with
it.
Measuring Consciousness
Given we still have no way of measuring consciousness, it is anybody's guess
what is and what is not conscious. The fail-safe assumption is that everything,
everylife or everyone is conscious, yet most use peer pressure to decide.
Blinded By Science
Science is confined to a small domain by fear of ridicule.
Definition Of Money
Money is man's way of keeping track of who owes whom a
favour. Because of interest/usury, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer,
even when the rich do no work and the poor work 12 hours a day. What then is
this favour the poor owe the rich just for having more money than they need? Is
this just a loophole in the system or an essential feature of the design?
On Pontificating
Be the planetary citizen you want everyone else to be.
Tips To the Paranoid
-
If someone is spying on you, do something to really freak them out.
-
Get off your high horse! The CIA has too many bigger threats to be bothered
fighting with you.
-
All great programmers are paranoid.
-
Every moment, you are on stage, with God, in the audience.
Links
