Bible Study Guide

Last updated 2004-06-28 by Roedy Green ©1997-2004 Canadian Mind Products.
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By Ray Blessin of the Canadian Atheist.
Formatted and augmented by Roedy Green.
HTML links by Darwin Bedford.

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals, and 362 to heterosexuals. This doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals, it's just that they need more supervision.
~ Lynn Lavner, a lesbian comic

Introduction

The King James version of the Holy Bible is one of the most revered documents on the planet. It is used as an infallible guide for moral guidance. It has a stupendous reputation.

The Bible contains some of the most sublime poetry in the English language, such as the Psalms, Isaiah's swords into ploughshares prophesy, the Sermon on the Mount, and St. Paul's exposition on love.

Unfortunately, the Bible, particularly the Old Testament is quite overrated. Its reputation depends on people not actually reading it for themselves and discovering what utter silliness comprises the bulk of it.

I invite you to look for yourself and judge. Here is a guide to the key, unexpected, picturesque, bizarre and humourous parts of the Bible. Most of it is just deadly dull and irrelevant, unlikely the work of an author with infinite intelligence.

Can the deeds of the bloodthirsty, immoral cast of characters in the Bible possibly be held up as exemplary for modern conduct?
Are the childish antics of God described in the Bible true or are they malicious slander?
Could the Bible seriously be the work of a God reputed to have created the entire universe? Is the writing quality, relevance, accuracy and consistency anywhere near up to the omniscience you would expect from God?
Have you been conned by men, the true authors of the Bible, so puffed up with pride, that they claimed their works as God's?

President Thomas Jefferson was so disturbed by this admixture of dross with the gold, he edited a condensed Bible with the dross removed.

Steve Wells has annotated the entire Bible from a skeptic's point of view, pointing or errors and inconsistencies.

I take potshots at the silliest parts of it in my Noah essay and point out numerous oopsies, inconsistencies that just could not be present if the Bible were truly inerrant.

These are a bit tongue in cheek. To see the actual corresponding Biblical verses click in the where column to see for yourself what the Bible says with as much context as you want.

The most lunatic parts of the Bible are in the Old Testament's Leviticus and Deuteronmy. The most sublime in the New Testament's St. Matthew.

Old Testament
Where	What you will find
Genesis
1:26	Humans are God's chosen species. They have the right to plunder the planet as they see fit and to enslave and torment all other species. That is probably not what God meant by "giving dominion^" but that's how Christians like James Watt and George Bush seem to interpret it.
3:1-5	Talking snake.
3:16	God inflicts childbirth pain
4:8	Brother killing brother
7:23	God drowns every living thing on the planet.
9:25-27	Sons of Ham/Canaan = black people. Hence this justification for slavery and its legacy racism.
12:14-16	Abram pimps his wife
17:9-14	Genital mutilation mandated
19:1-8	Rape virgins but not male angels. Male rape a hoax. It is based on a middle English pun.
19:4-8	Lot offers his virgin daughters to a mob
19:30-38	Daughters seduce their own father
21:14	Sending pregnant maid out of house
22:10	Abraham prepared to sacrifice his son Isaac, putting a knife to his son's throat, because he thought he heard God commanding him to. Not unlike Bush Jr. slitting the throat of the world.
24:2-3,9	Grope sexual organs of one swearing oaths
25:1-6	Keeping mistresses is not adultery
27:11	Jacob accusess his mother Rebekah of fooling around with the milkman because Esau his brother is an hairy man whilst he is a smooth man
29-30	Surrogate motherhood
32:25	God dislocates Jacob's hip in a wrestling match
34:1-31	Brothers are riled when sister is defiled
35:22	Reuben sleeps with father's concubine
38:8-10	God kills for practising birth control
38:14-18	Tamar plays harlot to seduce father-in-law
39:7-14	Woman tries to rape man
47:29	Joseph ordered to "feel-up" his father
Exodus
1:22	Throwing all boy babies into the river
3:2	Strange as it sounds, a man was sentence to three years in an American prison for making a reference to this verse.
4:25	Genital mutilation with a sharp stone
7:20	River of human blood
12:29	God kills all first-born babies in Egypt
20:1	The Ten Commandments
20:5	Make the innocent pay for four generations
20:26	God insists on altar to prevent exposed nudity
21:7	A man sells his daughter into slavery
21:20-21	On beating servants to death
22:18	A "witch" is put to death
22:19	Death is decreed for bestiality
32:27	God commands slaughter with swords
Leviticus
1:10	Planning a sacrifice to please the lord? Make sure you pick a male animal!
1:11	God wants goat's blood sprayed around the altar in your local church. It might help cut down the attendance.
2:7	God likes his meat fried southern style.
2:15	God likes his meat seasoned with frankincense and salt.
3:16	God likes a high cholesterol diet.
4:6	Priests should dip their fingers in blood and draw on the altar.
4:11	God likes the smell of burning dung.
5:7	God will let you off the hook when you have sinned if you give him two turtledoves and, presumably, a partridge in a pear tree.
5:15	God will let you off the hook when you have sinned in ignorance if you give him a perfect ram, or the equivalent in money. I wonder who actually eats the ram and spends the money?
8:7	Aaron wears a girdle.
11:9-31	Lobster, camel, rabbit, pork, clams, swans, owls, bats, dogs and snails are forbidden. Locusts and beetles, yummy!
12:1-8	God decrees childbirth "unclean" One week for male children, two for female.
12:3	God demands genital mutilation
13:2-14:~57	How God wants you to diagnose and treat leprosy.
14:1-8	Cure leprosy by dipping a live dove in dead dove blood. If that does not work, try a sheep. And God knows everything? He is a quack.
15:16-18	Sperm & intercourse are "unclean"
15:19-33	Menstruation is "unclean"
15:29-30	Women make offering for "sin" of menstruation
16:10	Origin of the term "scapegoat".
16:21	Goat acts in the role of father confessor.
17:4-6	Spraying blood all over the place
18:11-20	No "uncovering nakedness", especially female nakedness. It is a property crime.
18:22	Homosexuality is an abomination. All gays to be killed. Literally And you will not put to sleep the male the woman's naps abomination he is. One modern interpretation is it not ok for men to take afternoon naps but it is ok for women to. Part of the confusion comes because the original Hebrew is not grammatically correct. You'd think the deity would be better at grammar. You might invoke the principle of reasonable doubt here on whether the deity wants all gays slaughtered. Why is it modern Christians so love this verse but ignore all the rest of this great stuff in Leviticus?
18:23	Much talk of bestiality
19:20-22	Man forgiven, woman gets flogging
20:10	God commands death to adulterers
20:13	God commands more death to homosexuals. Literally And a man who will lie down the man the woman's naps abomination he does both-of-them death he will die their blood in them. Clarity is not one of the deity's major virtues. It's almost as if God said Plant your rutabagas in a straight row. and the overeager Christians took it to mean Kill all the homosexuals. It is worthy of Monty Python.
20:14	Sex with both wife and her mother? All burn to death
20:15-16	Death for bestiality (including the poor beast)
20:24	God kicks off the Arab-Israeli conflict by promising the lands then occupied by Arabs to the Israelites.
20:27	"Wizards" to be killed with rocks
21:11	no necrophilia
21:14	Only virgins may marry, no widows, divorced or loose women.
21:18-21	Dwarves, men with flat noses, those who have damaged testicles or six fingers are not welcome in church.
23:6	God recommends a yeast free diet.
23:30	God will "destroy" you if you mow the lawn on Saturday.
23:32	The Sabbath isn't Sunday (as the Christians believe) or Saturday (as the Jews believe), or Friday (as the Moslems believe), but the 9th of the month.
23:32	The sabbath is not the 9th after all, but July 15th and 22nd.
24:16	Stoning to death for "blasphemy"
24:17-20	An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
25:4	Every seven years let all your lands lie fallow. What do you eat that year?
25:44-45	Buy yourself a bunch of slaves
26:15-16	Horrible punishment for "disobeying"
26:29	A curse: Cannibalize your sons and daughters
Numbers
5:11-31	"Fidelity" test for women only - men? No problem
15:32-36	God says kill a man for gathering firewood on the Sabbath
16:35	God burns alive 250 men for offering incense
16:33	God swallows up huge crowd in earthquake
22:28-30	Move over Mr. Ed, here is a talking donkey
23:24	Drinking the blood of the murdered
25:4	God says hang severed heads in front of him
31:9	Kidnapping women and children
31:17-18	Moses says kill all, save the virgins for yourself
Joshua
5:2-8	God commands massive genital mutilation. A "hill of foreskins"
Deuteronomy
3:6	Wide-spread genocide
1:6	How to be gracious in victory.
15:12	Buying slaves again
16:21	God is into Feng Shui. He hates trees.
16:22	God hates Kodak.
17:2-5	Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist? Stone them to death.
21:10-14	Captured women trial wives. Don't like her? Kick her out.
21:18-21	Stone to death a stubborn and rebellious son
22:13-21	A bride who is not a virgin will be killed with stones
22:23-26	If a virgin is raped, both she and the man shall be killed
22:28-29	A man must pay a woman's father for having sex with her
23:1	A man with injured testicles cannot be in the congregation
23:2	"Bastard" children condemned for 10 generations
23:12-14	Cover your feces with a shovel so the Lord won't walk in it
24:1	A man who wants a divorce, need only kick her out of the house
25:5-10	A woman spits in the face of her dead husband's brother
25:11-12	A woman trying to stop a fight has her hand cut off
28:18	Your children will be cursed
28:27	A "sinner" is punished with hemorrhoids, scabs & death
28:30	Another curse: Another man has sex with your wife before you do
28:53-57	A curse: Eat your own flesh and the flesh of your own children
Judges
3:20-22	Ehud sticks a knife in the fat king's gut and dirt comes out
4:21	A woman kills a man by driving a nail into his temple
8:30	Gideon had 70 sons from so many wives, he forgot how many
11:34-40	Jephtha sacrifices his daughter after he accidentally promised God to do so.
15:2	A father gives his daughter away
19:1-30	A woman is raped and butchered by homosexuals
21:6-25	400 virgins captured for wives during huge slaughter
Ruth
3:6-9	Ruth seduces Boaz to force him to marry her
4:9-10	Boaz then "buys" Ruth
I Samuel
5:9-12	Philistines cursed with hemorrhoids for stealing "ark"
6:19	God murders 50,070 men for looking into his "ark"
15:3	God orders another slaughter, all including suckling babes
15:33	Samuel chops a woman to pieces before God
18:21	same-sex, group marriage.
18:23-27	David slices off foreskins of 200 men to win king's daughter
25:22-34	Much pissing against a wall
II Samuel
3:7	The mischievous Abner messes with father Saul's concubine
4:12	David commands much chopping off of hands, feet and head
5:8	Reviling the lame and the blind
5:13	David has many wives and mistresses
11:1-27	Uriah is killed so David can have his wife.
12:7-12	Obscene performance to be viewed by all of Israel.
12:14-18	God murders an innocent child, to punish David for what he did to Uriah, Bathsheba's husband.
12:24	God approves of David arranging the death of Bathsheba's husband so that he could have sex with her. Ok, so technically it wasn't adultery. Dear old God can't make up his mind on how he feels about murder.
13:10-14	Amnon feigns illness in order to rape his own sister
16:20-23	Absalom has sex with father's concubines for all to see
20:3	David imprisons 10 of his concubines for life
24:15	God murders 70,000 for the "sin" of one
I Kings
1:1-4	A sexy virgin is unable to revive the king
2:24-25	Hiring a man to commit murder
11:1-10	Solomon has 700 wives 300 concubines but still not happy
14:10	Pissing against the wall not good
16:11	Pissing against the wall not good
20:20	Mass slaughter
II Kings
2:23-24	God has bears kill 42 kids for teasing a bald guy
3:27	King of Moab burns his own son alive
5:27	Cursing with leprosy for all future generations
6:24-33	Boiling and eating babies
9:8	More pissing against the wall
9:33	Throw a woman from a building - blood sprays all over
10:7	Chop off the heads of 70 people and put the heads in baskets
10:11	Murder of a whole family
14:5	Revenge murder of servants
15:16	Ripping open pregnant women
17:17	Making sons and daughters walk through fire
18:27	Eating of dung and drinking of piss
19:35	Angel of the Lord murders 185,000 Assyrians
20:7	Healing boils with a lump of figs
23:7	Gay whorehouses destroyed
6:29	A woman boils and eats her own son
I Chronicles
2:10-2:44	Endless begats. Why did God think this was important?
II Chronicles
11:21	King has 18 wives, 60 mistresses resulting in 88 children
21:4	Jeroham murders all of his brothers
28:8	Israelites kidnap 200,000 women & children in looting spree
Esther
2:1-23	Sexual contest to decide new queen
2:12	"Purifying" virgins for the king
Psalms
109:7-10	God commands orphans be abandoned
137:1	God likes reggae
137:9	Happy shall a man be, that dashes babies on rocks
Proverbs
13:24	Beat your son if you love him.
23:13-14	Beating children with a rod
Isaiah
1:11	God decides he does not like animal sacrifices after all.
1:22	Lite beer really ticks Jehova off, according to the New World Translation, lite wine according to King James.
1:29	Jehovah disapproves of tree hugging.
2:4	Swords into ploughshares prophsy, the most beautiful verse in the Old Testament: And he shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many people: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.
3:16	Daughters of Zion strut their stuff and the Lord gets a good look, then takes revenge. Neck-stretching while walking is wicked.
7:15	Baby Jesus prophesied to live on butter and honey. It has the same effect as munching on Eve's apple.
9:20	Men shall eat the flesh of their own arms
11:6	Lions "lying" with lambs.
13:16	Children smashed to pieces, houses wrecked and wives raped
14:21-22	Children slaughtered for their father's "iniquities"
14:23	If you don't behave, the porcupines will get you. (New World Translation).
16:11	God's farting sounds like a harp
19:1	God travels by swift cloud. How can God travel if God is omnipresent?
26:18	Jehovah punishes with gas so bad it feels like labour pains.
33:15	The politicians' verse. Despise the gain of oppression; wave away a bribe instead of accepting it.
34:3	After huge slaughter, stinking human carcasses & rivers of blood
34:6	The Lord's sword is full of the blood of large scale slaughter
36:12	Folks sitting on a wall eat their own dung and drink their own piss
45:7	*God admits He creates evil.*
57:8	Penis beheld. New World Translation. Censored out of King James version.
58:7	Feed the hungry, clothe the naked.
59:5	Snake eggs are fatally poisonous.
64:8	God is the potter. You are the clay.
65:25	New IAMS lamb and wolf chow, vegetarian lion chow and snake chow made from dirt.
Jeremiah
64:25	God is the potter. You are the clay.
4:4	Mutilate your own genitals
16:4	Horrible deaths with human bodies left for vultures and scavengers
19:9	Eat the flesh of family and friends
20:14-18	It is better to be aborted than live unhappy or wicked life (Pro-choice?)
Ezekiel
1:4	Nuclear war description: And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.
4:12-15	God says, eat bread made with dung
5:10	Fathers eat their sons and sons eat their fathers
7:27	Watch out Rush! According to their way, I will deal with them; according to their own judgments I will judge them.
8:2-4	God gives folks a look at his "loins"
9:6	God says slaughter all women, children and babies but not men
16:15	Filthiness and fornication pours out
16:49	Sodomy is not homosexuality after all as the religious right tell us; it is, surprise, something that sounds suspiciously like modern Republicanism i.e. a combination of four elements: pride gluttonous wealth idle wealth heedlessness to the plight of the poor Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy.
23:1-40	A grizzly tale of two sisters who were very busy whores
23:20	Men with penises like donkeys and who ejaculate like horses
29:7-8	God performs bloody castration with a sword
Hosea
1:2-11	God commands Hosea to take a whore for his wife
2:1-15	More pornography and then some
8:7	For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind.
Amos
5:24	But let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like an everflowing stream.
Micah
3:2-3	Chopping up, seasoning and eating human flesh
Zechariah
2:8	Ho ho ho. God believes in Santa Claus.
Malachi
2:1-4	God will spread dung on your face

New Testament

Where

What you will find

Matthew

1:18

Mary impregnated by "holy ghost". Yeah right!

2:16

Herod murders all the children under the age of 2 in Bethlehem

3:3

a voice crying in the wilderness

4:2-3

The first temptation of Christ. Jesus was not supposed to have any doubts that he was the son of God. He should not create food to reassure himself of his divinity.

4:5-6

The second temptation of Christ. You are not supposed to put God to any sort of test.

4:8-9

The third temptation of Christ. The explanation of why successful politicians are such dastardly people.

4:17

heaven is here and now, not pie in the sky after you die.

4:24

demonic possession.

5:1-48

Sermon on the Mount. The gold in the dross. The good stuff. The core of Jesus's teaching.

5:9

Don't let the Republicans fool you. God does not like war; He wants you to stand up for peace. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

5:18

Jesus says don't change the Bible no matter how crazy it sounds.

5:38-39

Jesus rescinds an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

5:39

Jesus rejects Leviticus, suggests forgiveness instead. Turn the other cheek. Resist not evil. This is a strange teaching. It suggests letting the Bushes and Hitlers of the world get away with their crimes. It is counter to the conventional wisdom: "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
~ Edmund Burke

5:44

Love your enemies: the most ignored verse in the entire Bible.

6:2

Hypocrites trumpet their charitable acts. Don't do that.

6:6

Jesus's view on public prayer.

6:24

You cannot serve both God and Mammon.

6:28-30

Consider the lilies of the field. This sentiment is not true. God allows 28,000 people a day to die of hunger, no matter how hard they work. He does not automatically provide, at least not without everyone co-operating.

7:3

Motes and beams. Clean up your own act before criticising others.

7:5

Seek, and ye shall find.

7:12

The Golden Rule. The familiar phrase "do unto others" appears nowhere in the Bible.

7:15

Beware the Angleys, Falwells and Robertsons. They are wolves in sheep's clothing.

7:16

By their fruits shall ye know them.

7:21

Baptism, being born again, calling out Jesus name, professing faith etc. will do you no good. Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

7:21-23

The George W. Bush Jr. verse. There is no point in churchy activity if you also work evil. I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. You can't escape the need for good works.

8:12

Much weeping and gnashing of teeth. For those without teeth, presumably teeth shall be provided .

8:30-32

Exorcism where devils move into swine who, lemming-like, perish in the sea.

10:34-36

Jesus brings not peace but war among family members

13:22

If you can make sense of a spiritual teaching, you can enrich the world a hundredfold over what you were given.

13:40-42

Angels gather all & sundry to burn in fiery hell.

14:10-11

John's head is chopped off.

16:19

The earthly church has the power to send you to hell if they don't like you.

16:26

It is pointless to sell your soul even if you gain the whole world.

16:27

Faith without works won't get you anywhere. Don't count on grace.

18:6

Don't you dare interfere with the Christian brainwashing of children.

18:8

Chop off your own hand and foot. Alex Kolansky, a Canadian eccentric, on reading this verse cut off his own hand. It had offended him by masturbating him.

18:9

Good thing for Mr. Kolansky he did not have a Playboy in his bush cabin.

18:12

Sweat the small stuff. The important stuff will take care of itself.

18:25

Whole family sold to pay debt

18:34

Torture for unpaid bills

19:3-9

Divorcees who remarry are "adulterers".

19:12

Castrate yourself for Jesus.

19:21

To be perfect, sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor.

19:24

And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

20:9

the eleventh hour

21:5

Jesus does an Annie Oakley, riding two asses at once.

21:13

a den of thieves

21:19

Curses a fig tree for not producing in the off season

22:12-13

More weeping and gnashing of teeth, this time for failing to show up in formal attire for a wedding.

22:21

Pay your taxes!

23:5

What Jesus thinks of ecclesiastic fashion shows.

23:14

The Republican verse: Hypocrites! Stop oppressing widows and wasting your time on long prayers.

23:24

Straining at gnats and swallowing camels.

25:1

Heaven is like 10 virgins for one man

25:32

Separating the sheep from the goats.

25:35-36

For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

25:40

Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

25:41

Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels.

25:45

Whatever you do to the least of mankind: the hungry, the thirsty, the naked, the stranger, the prisoner... you did to Jesus.

26:21

Peter cuts off the ear of the servant of the high priest.

26:26-28

Eat human flesh and drink human blood

26:49

Jesus and his male friends like to kiss each other.

26:53

How Jesus was able to maintain his delusions of grandeur.

28:2-3

A big scary guy in a white robe was the one who rolled the stone from the tomb and took Jesus's body.

Mark

8:38

A warning to all Republicans, especially members of the Skull & Bones fraternity at Yale. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

13:42

More wailing and gnashing of teeth when God casts the iniquitous non-believers into a lit furnace. Reminds you a bit of the ravenous planet-eating space goat in Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.

The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

0-345-45374-3

Douglas Adams

Witty science fiction. You need to read it for the same reason you need to read the bible. People make obscure references to it all the time.

14:51-52

Jesus in park with half naked boy. Boy flees naked.

Luke